Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
