so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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