In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
