Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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