my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
