so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Success! We fucked roommates!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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