I love black thongs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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