Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they need to just BURY HIM!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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