Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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