Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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