he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
