I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
