But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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