Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
