And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Randomize
