What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
