i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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