dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
