After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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