I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
