I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
People with herpes should wear stickers.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
