it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
