My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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