he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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