I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I look better un-naked...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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