gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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