I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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