I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
After last night, I could never be a politician.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
