I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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