cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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