my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
