Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
