I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
