I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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