I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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