god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
