Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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