my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
sarcasm needs its own font
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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