Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
