My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
love makes seman taste better
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
