is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
