Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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