I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
