It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
