Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
