I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
