One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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