fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
