I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
