Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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