I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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